Being Done.

There came a point where I looked at my life and thought, “I’m done with this.”  It began with a fleeting moment of awareness as I was subjected to yet another silent treatment. I realized I was in a constant state of alert agitation as I shifted between fight/flight/fawn gears.

In session, my counselor asked me, “What do you want?” 

“Not this,” I replied… and then I faced the realization that I had somehow ended up in the wrong place—off track, incongruent with my plan, dying on the vine in a toxic relationship. So, I started planning something different. After years of choosing to work on the relationship because at least I knew what to expect, I stepped out.  

Getting out is scary. Staying meant less upheaval than leaving. But staying in toxicity sets up a life of chaos and emotional ruin—for me, my children, my grandchildren. I still am not completely clear about what the future looks like, but it doesn’t matter. I moved out of the rut. There is no turning back. 

Nobody’s life is perfect, right? But now, things are pretty perfect … I am not walking on eggshells but dancing in the ambiguity of a new dream. So, now I embrace uncertainty and carry on with wide-eyed wonder.

you liked me for my ass and my assets
my breasts were too small and my ideas too grand
still you asked for my hand

and against the knowingness in my gut
I said yes to the dream that could come true
though it wouldn’t with you

as the truth unfolded, I felt death come upon me
and my body went into fight mode,
attempting to combat every fabrication

I might have actually loved you, I said
but you never let me know who you are
and now, I am trapped by your deception

your deceit ate away at your heart
while my presence reminded you of your transgression
and you too, are stuck in your dishonesty

so you push me and prod, never giving a nod
in the prison of our home and in front of our child
til I am driven away by your anger and falsity

and so I put down the gavel of the law
to end this fictitious false tale
and unhinge my heart from your fraudulent ways

then you thank me by telling me the truth
and I thank you for that for it sets me free
to heal in the upcoming days

you liked me for my ass and my assets
my breasts were too small and my ideas too grand
still you asked for my hand

… now I stand here
  empty-handed

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